Hello, blogging world! This is my attempt at a real “grown up” blog. Maybe I will lose my fear and share it with the entire world, including people who know me. I’ve always blogged as anonymously as I could so that I wouldn’t hesitate in sharing more about myself. Let’s face it, if we know that people we know in real life are going to read our words, we might hold back a little bit. Not because we want a private place to talk about people behind their backs, but because that is such a… vulnerable place to be. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life building up walls to keep people out. I fear being judged, looked down upon, and ridiculed. I guard my heart because I am so convinced that people want to tear it apart. I was bullied a lot as a child, and to say that it doesn’t affect me as an adult would be a flat out lie. It affects me a lot. I don’t do things I want to do. I don’t talk to people I want to talk to. I worry constantly that I’m not good enough. That people don’t really want me. That no one really cares about me. That if you’re my friend, I have to work for it. I have to impress you. I have to be you. And it’s exhausting. As an adult, I’ve learned to drop some of these feelings. I know that my real friends love and accept me just the way I am. I know that my husband loves me (woohoo, I have one of those!). I know that my children love me. But I don’t love myself, so it makes it really hard to accept that from others. I blame myself for every problem we have. I think everyone is blaming me for every problem we have. I hate myself for being the way I am. But I am so paralyzed in my feelings that I don’t know how to branch out and make it right.
Please don’t think that I live a terrible life. I don’t. I go out into the world. I do things with my friends and family. I laugh and smile. I enjoy things. And this blog is not going to be about depression alone. But it is a scary thing to walk with. And as much as I like to build walls, I also have a deep desire to be truly KNOWN by people. I don’t believe in being fake. We all are, for various reasons. Don’t try to lie and say you aren’t. Maybe not overall, but we all have it in us to bring a false persona to the plate.
I want this blog to be about ME. The real me. The one who hurts, loves, cries, laughs, dances, hates, plays, etc… and maybe I will one day feel free to invite all of you in.
In the next post, I’ll introduce myself more fully.