Monthly Archives: December 2013

2014 Goals

It’s going to be 2014 very soon. If I let myself, I start to worry about where this nation is going. Where this WORLD is going. I don’t buy in to all that “End of Times” stuff, but it can’t be denied that things aren’t going well, no matter what side of the political page you are on. It has nothing to do with who you would vote for. It’s just the way it IS. I’m getting older. I’m not a kid anymore, or even a young adult. I am young though. 30 isn’t old, but it isn’t the same as 24. 

I’m tired of making the same tired excuses for my actions that I have been for the first 30 years. I’m tired of the same shit, just another day. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of it all. Here are some of the goals I HOPE to work on this year:

Financial: This is the YEAR. No more asking mommy and daddy for money (yes, I have found myself in that vicious cycle). Find a way to up our income (I’m a stay at home homeschooling mom. I don’t want to sell avon or pampered chef. I don’t want to work outside the house. But something has to give). Finish our bankruptcy (the older I get, the more I realize that this isn’t an option I want to participate in. I want to take responsibility and fix it myself. But it’s already paid for, and not by us. So finish it we will). Figure out where we are bleeding money and then bandage them up (magazines, pop, cigarettes (my husband smokes), random treats at the store, eating out). Make a budget and stick to it. 

Physical Health: Stop drinking coke like it’s water. Walk outside at least 20 minutes a day. If it’s too cold (I do live in MN, after all), do something physical online (pull up a video on youtube or the yoga channel on the Roku). Drink at least 3 tall glasses of water a day. Eat less red meat and more real (not processed) foods. Eat something by 10a every day, even if it’s small. 

Mental Health: Start meditating. Get out of my bedroom when I am depressed. Start valuing the person that I am instead of hating myself for the person I was told I was. Really practice the art of letting go. Try one new thing (that’s out of my comfort zone) a month. Replace a negative comment about myself with a positive one. 

Blogging: Blog at least once a week. Decide whether I want my blog to be a “personal diary,” a blog for other people, or a combination of the both. Learn the basics of how to make my blog pretty (without having to pay for it. I’m cheap. And broke.). Get over my fear of people I know in real life reading my blog. 

Homeschooling: Continue to find our groove. Figure out what works best for each of my girls, individually. Buy a piece of curriculum I need once a month (not necessarily each month, but make a point of realizing I need to budget for it and can’t just buy what I want when I want it.). Start doing read alouds with the girls. Find a routine (because I NEED routine) that works for all of us and STICK TO IT (unless it’s not working. In which case, it’s not the routine for us in the first place). Focus on reading and math for a while, until the basics are covered. 

Reading: Read 4 books a month. 2 non-fiction, 2 fiction. Or whatever. But at least 4. 

Education: I have signed up for some classes through coursera. I am going to finish the courses and do well. 

 

These are the goals I think I need to start with. I’m not a scared little girl anymore or a hardened and angry teenager/young adult. I’m 30. I have children. I have a husband. I have worth and value. It doesn’t matter if I was bullied. It doesn’t matter if I was rejected. I MATTER. To ME. And that should be enough. 

Winter Days

Whew, I’m glad the past few months are over. We had my moms funeral on November 15th. It was a really nice day and was a sweet service. We scattered her ashes over the lake where she was the happiest she’s ever been. I hope she is at peace. I hope I find peace with my swirling feelings about the entire thing. “Thing” being my relationship with her. 

I wouldn’t say that anger is the word for it. Guilt, over some of the terrible things I have said and done. Hurt, that things just couldn’t have been different between us. Sadness that her life had to end while she was still so young, with so much to live for if only she opened herself up to it. Mostly, I just hope she knows that she was loved. 

Things on the homeschooling front are a little blah. What with all of the running around the last few months have brought, I’d be lying if I said we were following any sort of schedule. I keep telling myself that it’s ok to take a break and take the time to grieve. At the same time, I feel like I’m dropping the ball and need to snap back to it. 

They REALLY weren’t kidding when they said that the first year is the hardest. At least in my experience. 

I hope to stick with this blogging thing. I always end up deciding not to post because I can’t think of much to say that hasn’t already been said by someone else. Another thing is that part of me wants to blog for myself, but another part of me wants to do it for the social connection of it all. And then I just get tired thinking about all that. 

Did I mention that I suffer from depression? 

For My Future Grandchildren

Reclaim the Warrior

I want my future grandchildren,

and those that come after,

to say that I was fierce with heart.

I want them to know

that every action that I took

was mindful of their future existence,

that I was not merely a woman of resistance,

but a woman of vision.

To say that I didn’t just use my eyes to see

what was wrong in the world,

but used my hands and my heart to change it.

I want them to know

that grandma broke cy-cles

that I broke sweat to manifest dreams

that I broke bread with my enemies

that I broke open every morning

unafraid of the brilliance that I held inside.

I want them to say,

that I was never pushed down by criticism

and my ego was never elevated by praise

that I lived with the acknowledgement

that one day…

they would take their first breath, first…

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