One of the things I struggle with the most is this deep seed of BITTERNESS that is planted firmly somewhere in my stomach, heart, mind, soul… SOMEWHERE deep inside of me. I want it gone; I really do. It’s hard carrying it around and being so angry all the time. It doesn’t jive with who I feel I am on the inside, and it definitely doesn’t jive with who I want to be in my everyday life. But I am so angry, and hateful, and bitter, and MAD. What makes it so hard is that I can’t figure out where it’s coming from, I can’t figure out just where I need to start pulling so I can tear it out by the roots. Everytime I try, it seems like I dig at it a little bit, but I never quite get to the real issue. And I really feel like it’s detrimental to my life.
I can’t figure out my relationship (or lack thereof) with God. What I believe, why I believe, if I believe, how I believe… none of it makes sense to me. And that frightens me and makes me kind of… mad.
I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life, even though I’m almost 31 years old, married, have 2 kids, homeschool them… it kind of seems that I’ve already made some choices about what I’m going to do with my life. And yet… most of the time I feel empty instead of content.
I don’t know what to do, where to go, what to think, how to feel.
And I’m so sick of being angry all the time.