Whew, I’m glad the past few months are over. We had my moms funeral on November 15th. It was a really nice day and was a sweet service. We scattered her ashes over the lake where she was the happiest she’s ever been. I hope she is at peace. I hope I find peace with my swirling feelings about the entire thing. “Thing” being my relationship with her.
I wouldn’t say that anger is the word for it. Guilt, over some of the terrible things I have said and done. Hurt, that things just couldn’t have been different between us. Sadness that her life had to end while she was still so young, with so much to live for if only she opened herself up to it. Mostly, I just hope she knows that she was loved.
Things on the homeschooling front are a little blah. What with all of the running around the last few months have brought, I’d be lying if I said we were following any sort of schedule. I keep telling myself that it’s ok to take a break and take the time to grieve. At the same time, I feel like I’m dropping the ball and need to snap back to it.
They REALLY weren’t kidding when they said that the first year is the hardest. At least in my experience.
I hope to stick with this blogging thing. I always end up deciding not to post because I can’t think of much to say that hasn’t already been said by someone else. Another thing is that part of me wants to blog for myself, but another part of me wants to do it for the social connection of it all. And then I just get tired thinking about all that.
Did I mention that I suffer from depression?
My mom passed away at 4:30a on November 7th. I wanted to be there, but I wasn’t. I had gone home. I just really hope that she knew she was loved at the end. I hope she wasn’t scared or in pain. I’m sure she spent much of her life feeling unwanted and unloved. My sister and her hadn’t spoken in 2 years. All of us had attitude problems with her. But my sister got here before she was gone and they made their peace. My mom had written her a letter, explaining a lot of things and acknowledging a lot of things. She was unresponsive at the time my sister was there, but there were a few moments where she was coherent enough to say she loved us. The day we moved her into the nursing home she was the most alert she had been in a while. She was crying, which got me crying. I apologized and told her that I was sorry and that I knew it wasn’t what she wanted. She told me that I had nothing to be sorry for… but I’m still sorry. She was only 58. Cancer sucks. That’s all I can say.
My mom has bladder cancer. One of the easiest cancers to fight and “overcome.” Hers is stage 4. She is dying. She will soon be gone.
Quick backstory on my mom: my parents divorced when I was 10. They shared custody of us, but my mom was the one who moved out and lived her life. I have never been close to her and there is a lot of anger. I’m trying to move past that so that I can show her compassion in her last days. I love her. But it’s hard.
Right now we are facing putting her into a nursing home. It isn’t what she wants, so I feel bad for even entertaining the idea. She is on hospice care right now and lives with a roommate, plus my aunt and I trade off on caring for her. She has taken a huge turn for the worse and the amount of cares she needs are rising. She is incontinent and has a urostomy bag, so there is always a mess to clean up. She is still aware, but confused at the same time.
I feel selfish. I am not a good decision maker. My brother says he doesn’t want to force it on her. I see it as I am the primary caregiver, the primary decision maker, and while it’s all fine and dandy for him because he has a job so he can’t be the main caregiver… it’s hard on those of us who are responsible for the day to day care. I homeschool. I have a family. I live over an hour away. But I’m not allowed to feel that way. Because I “don’t have a job” so I should just stand up and do it.
And then I feel selfish for even thinking that. I feel like I am all alone in this. None of my other siblings do anything with her care. My one brother gets the details about it, but isn’t a caregiver. The other 2 hear about it from us, but that’s about it.
I don’t know what to do. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she knows her kids are angry with her. I feel bad that sometimes I wish this wasn’t my problem. I feel bad that she is so young (58). I feel bad that my kids won’t know her very well.
I just wish it wasn’t happening.