Whew, I’m glad the past few months are over. We had my moms funeral on November 15th. It was a really nice day and was a sweet service. We scattered her ashes over the lake where she was the happiest she’s ever been. I hope she is at peace. I hope I find peace with my swirling feelings about the entire thing. “Thing” being my relationship with her.
I wouldn’t say that anger is the word for it. Guilt, over some of the terrible things I have said and done. Hurt, that things just couldn’t have been different between us. Sadness that her life had to end while she was still so young, with so much to live for if only she opened herself up to it. Mostly, I just hope she knows that she was loved.
Things on the homeschooling front are a little blah. What with all of the running around the last few months have brought, I’d be lying if I said we were following any sort of schedule. I keep telling myself that it’s ok to take a break and take the time to grieve. At the same time, I feel like I’m dropping the ball and need to snap back to it.
They REALLY weren’t kidding when they said that the first year is the hardest. At least in my experience.
I hope to stick with this blogging thing. I always end up deciding not to post because I can’t think of much to say that hasn’t already been said by someone else. Another thing is that part of me wants to blog for myself, but another part of me wants to do it for the social connection of it all. And then I just get tired thinking about all that.
Did I mention that I suffer from depression?
Hello, blogging world! This is my attempt at a real “grown up” blog. Maybe I will lose my fear and share it with the entire world, including people who know me. I’ve always blogged as anonymously as I could so that I wouldn’t hesitate in sharing more about myself. Let’s face it, if we know that people we know in real life are going to read our words, we might hold back a little bit. Not because we want a private place to talk about people behind their backs, but because that is such a… vulnerable place to be. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life building up walls to keep people out. I fear being judged, looked down upon, and ridiculed. I guard my heart because I am so convinced that people want to tear it apart. I was bullied a lot as a child, and to say that it doesn’t affect me as an adult would be a flat out lie. It affects me a lot. I don’t do things I want to do. I don’t talk to people I want to talk to. I worry constantly that I’m not good enough. That people don’t really want me. That no one really cares about me. That if you’re my friend, I have to work for it. I have to impress you. I have to be you. And it’s exhausting. As an adult, I’ve learned to drop some of these feelings. I know that my real friends love and accept me just the way I am. I know that my husband loves me (woohoo, I have one of those!). I know that my children love me. But I don’t love myself, so it makes it really hard to accept that from others. I blame myself for every problem we have. I think everyone is blaming me for every problem we have. I hate myself for being the way I am. But I am so paralyzed in my feelings that I don’t know how to branch out and make it right.
Please don’t think that I live a terrible life. I don’t. I go out into the world. I do things with my friends and family. I laugh and smile. I enjoy things. And this blog is not going to be about depression alone. But it is a scary thing to walk with. And as much as I like to build walls, I also have a deep desire to be truly KNOWN by people. I don’t believe in being fake. We all are, for various reasons. Don’t try to lie and say you aren’t. Maybe not overall, but we all have it in us to bring a false persona to the plate.
I want this blog to be about ME. The real me. The one who hurts, loves, cries, laughs, dances, hates, plays, etc… and maybe I will one day feel free to invite all of you in.
In the next post, I’ll introduce myself more fully.